Restless day.

Somehow things are not turning out to be the way i expect it to be. I'm suppose to the supportive one. The one that gives the strength, the one that lifts the spirit of others, the one that motivates people. But as time passes by, I feel weaker and weaker by the moment. I feel drained, like i'm alone. No one to talk to, no one to cry to, no one to express to, no one, nothing! I feel lonely and not that spacious every since last time. Compared 5 years ago and now, I don't feel that optimistic, happy, glad and everything. Although I tend to appreciate more on my surroundings and what i'm doing at the moment, but im still alone at the end. YESH! I admit that i'm craving for someone to share things with, to express to, to lend a shoulder to, and just to be with. FUck! i admit, i need a boyfriend. There... happy?!

It hurts~

O_O just realized the title sounds damn emo.

Anyhow, for these past  few months, i realize I've hurt a number of people that I really didn't mean to. Not hurt them by stabbing them or kicking their balls~~ Hurt them as in bring dissapointment, anger, sadness and all the negative emotions that I would least to expect.

And everything is caused by one little aspect ~ Self confidence.

For these past 2 years, my confidence level has fell gradually and only dropped greatly in these recent times. I no longer am able to do things that I usually do when i was in my old high school, and it brings loads of dissapointment to the people around me.

I really want to apologize to my economic and maths teacher for not being able (or more like not willing) to perform for them during my last year in school. They did mention before on hoping to see me dance live but i was too timid and shy to do so. I'm really sorry~

Most of all, i really want to apologize to my master. The whole time she has been there to help me, and advice me on my depression especially on my confidence level, and when an opportunity came, i blew it in just a few minutes. I feel really stupid and ridiculous. Plus the audience was just a minimal of 1. I could have just easily danced it off >_<

Yes, i'm still thinking bout it since 5pm this afternoon and i couldn't stop till now. Dancing used to be my passion and I always fight for the opportunity to perform. Nowadays? I rather sit between the audience and clap after every performance.

I want my old self back. This maxine ain fun >_<

What am i becoming

All these while My parents have been trying to put me one step higher from the society so it would help me alot when i grow up next time. I appreciated the music classes, the early english education, the dance classes, the acting classes and even the singing classes. Of course, i also appreciated the 3 years advance syllubus they would always shove it down my throat when I used to attend kindergarden.

I've always been confident in myself wherever I go all there years (excluding these 2 years). Although my appearence don't seem to attract the opposite sex but i'm confident in myself that i could achieve many things eventhough many people have been telling me to fuck off.

I manage to get NOMINATED for my queen guide award, i manage to organize a camp where most adults couldn't, i manage to dance in front of hundreds of people can not quiver in fright, i manage to give a speech in front of a whole school and not feel embarassed about it. Instead, i'm always happy and satisifed with whatever I manage to do and achieved. And its from my confidence that I've made many friends (not sure if they're true or just being 'mean girls') and be proud of them.

I don't deny that I do make mistakes on the way to success and every path i take, i still slipped into a tiny river that passes that path, but i always get myself up from the river and continue the journey and learn a better way to cross that path. I don't deny that at times my foolishness get myself embarassed and i don't deny that I'm not pretty. But its my foolishness that makes people happy. Its what I am makes people remember me "The bubbly chubby girl", its my mistakes that make people remember me even more. I sometimes still could feel what I used to feel and think about myself last time.

The confidence that I gave myself was tremendous and it has more to come. But recently, things have been on the downturn of my life. I become more and more unconfident with my appearence, my skills are lacking bacause of "gawd knows what reason", I've became a very emotional person, I've always crave for sympathy instead of happiness. WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO ME??

I tear as i type this post because I just feel i'm being more and more ridiculous. I used to manage big events and serve the big VIPs during my secondary school days. I used to dance in front of crowds and not be ashamed of it. I used to sing in front of parents and feel proud of it. NOW? I feel like a total JINX! I can't even master a simple skill!

Everytime I do something I aim to achieve, i end up landing myself into big trouble. For instance, driving. I know driving takes time for people to master and of course to be in our own nature. But all these while, i've been confident and I used to drive without a single problem. Now i can't even take a short 5 minute drive to a place I need to go without whacking somebody's backside (adding up that the car is my friend's instead of my own parents car).

THIS is really D.I.S.S.A.P.O.I.N.T.I.N.G!!!! How stuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuupid and duuuuuuuuuuuumb can i get? Its a simple skil DRIVING and yet i can't mastered it. I've gotten my license for what? A year!! And thanks to people who make empty promises, my driving skills are a piece of shit to land on *sobs*

I really want to look at this in a positive way. Really I do, but how can I not look at the negative side? Its been a year, and a year is more then enough to master a simple skill. THE HECK! I learnt to start a REAL LIFE FIRE with REAL LIFE FIREWOOD within 2 weeks!!! That's harder then driving dude!!

There are people that I blame and costs that I have to bear on my own with the consequences that come with driving without parents. But what can I do?? Depending on them is equals to depending on a dead man to train you to drive WHICH equals to NEVER GONNA IMPROVVEEEE!! People are already driving right AFTER they got their driving license. ME? hmph..... Letting me drive in his car is equavalent to a really REALLY special dream come true~~~ Pfffffft

*SOBS*

*SOBS*

*SOBS*

*SOBS*

*SOBS*

*SOBS*

*SOBS*

*SOBS*

*SOBS*

*Runs and hide to cry in sorrow*

I'm NOT a crying baby, its just that i've been holding for too long thats all.
Its been awhile since I last blogged, and now that I'm sorta back to blogging, a sad post starts the comeback of le author. Haizzz. Is it because form 6 life has lead me to plunge into dullness?

*Hypnotises self*

Be positive BE POSITIVE!!!

Who am I kidding, I really nidda improve on my driving skills, it ain coming as if its dropping from the sky! >.<

Any suggestions from not knocking any car's asses again?

Stress Release options

Actually I was suppose to blog about this last year, but I procrastinated it for a few months and now only I manage to have the 'inspiration' to blog.... A one of a kind inspiration kononnya...

Anyway, as my title goes, probably you know I'm going to do something stress related. Well in this case, is more to stress + damn benggang case. So, instead of doing 3 things 3 times, why not........

3 IN 1????

Don't get it?

Biasalah......

My Majlis Tingkatan 6 club is trying to raise funds for our class page next year (Like I said this post was suppose to be last year so bare that in mind... ) So different people are in charge of different food or ingredient. I was in charge of ribena mocktail. So basically the ingredients are lemon juice, ribena (duh) and sprite or 7-up. Your choice.

So this was my 2nd time doing the ribena mocktail, and at the same time, I was seriously pissed off by someone which I forgot and so, with

This

and This

and This

In front of me, I started doing this.......

I started smashing it up so badly I ended up having a sour eye due the over juice "ejaculation".

Initially I was suppose to just smash it abit so that the juice will come out easily, but that bloody woman's face was on all the lemon, so..................

BUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My benggang-ness brings results!!!!

TADAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

(Do ignore the milk.... it has nothing to do with Ribena Mocktail, but DO pay attention to the small teeny weeny bottles at the back.... ^^)

One whole portion of 2 fridges is full of bottles and bottles of Ribena Mocktail and guess what??

The next day, half was gone!!!!

Whooohoo!!!! Was happy that all my hardwork has paid off.... ^^

In the end, I got 3 jobs done in 2 hours....

It's all up to you how you compile everything into a creative pack of 'juice'!

Random post

Childhood memories.....

I just came back from school where I was craving for some Maggi....

So I went through all the ingredients storage box to look for it, then I came across this...

Memories of all my childhood came flooding back into my mind when I saw all these rubber bands I used to use when I was young...

My mum would literally tie my hair up into two plates every morning before I go to school. The she'll find a matching pair to tie on my hair. Since then I was known as the girl with plates in school as I was the only one allowed to have long hair (Besides another snobbish girl who look down on me because I'm chubby... Screw you!!)

I remember choosing my favourite pair before ballet classes and my mum would gladly tie my hair up... And because my mum was so enthusiastic to tie my hair everyday, she was the first to find out that I had 'company' in my hair... It freaked her out big time!!

Today, when I saw does rubber bands, I was so excited and actually went through the whole container like a kid... going Ooooooo Aaaaahhhhh.......

Can imagine??? Can la.........

Still, most of the rubber have already been cut of leaving the 'ornaments' for memories, but I still love them and would never part with them for anything.. Those ARE my precious before and now.... *Skips down memory lane....*

Studying part of my life???

You know how studying can be a part of my life???? *SHOCK*

I didn't even know it's possible. I didn't even know I was capable of studying....

YES! I can study, but just a mere 20 minutes then I'm dead..

Especially when it comes to theory & stuff.... UGH!!! No way those stuff are going in my brain..

Its like you're going for a vacation where you packed shitloads of suitcases and you have to figure a way to jigsaw puzzle it into your car trunk. That's exactly how I feel...

First time in my life, I'm taking exams so seriously. Never in my life would I stay in school till freakin' 4pm to study........ ANNNNNNNNNNNND!!! It lasted for 3 WEEKS!!!! I can't believe that I actually did that, let alone stepping foot into the library.....

"There goes my bad girl reputation as bad girls don't go to the library... And i admit that i do."

But all well ends well, I finally forced myself into studying PP....

* It started of with "I HATE YOU".... Then, I pictured doraemon with His magic tools....

* When I realize it ain't happening, i came to my senses and started memorizing

* Then I started to go hungry... Being the lazy girl that I am, I didn't hunt for food, instead food chains interrupted my PP facts....

* From there loads of food came into my mind.... (DAMN! I want my student card!)

* Then I grew sleepy.....

* Sleepier....

* Slight snooze........

* Drop dead!

But at the end, I eventually manage to wake up and struggle through my bags, pack up and off to dreamland. You would be surprise how many things actually went through my mind that I couldn't sleep much that night... DANG you stupid memorizing!!

I still have to figure a way to force everything into that complicated organ of mine... Why can't I just have a pendrive slot on my brain?? It would make things SOOOOO much easier....

Hmmmmmm, I wonder.......