O_O just realized the title sounds damn emo.
Anyhow, for these past few months, i realize I've hurt a number of people that I really didn't mean to. Not hurt them by stabbing them or kicking their balls~~ Hurt them as in bring dissapointment, anger, sadness and all the negative emotions that I would least to expect.
And everything is caused by one little aspect ~ Self confidence.
For these past 2 years, my confidence level has fell gradually and only dropped greatly in these recent times. I no longer am able to do things that I usually do when i was in my old high school, and it brings loads of dissapointment to the people around me.
I really want to apologize to my economic and maths teacher for not being able (or more like not willing) to perform for them during my last year in school. They did mention before on hoping to see me dance live but i was too timid and shy to do so. I'm really sorry~
Most of all, i really want to apologize to my master. The whole time she has been there to help me, and advice me on my depression especially on my confidence level, and when an opportunity came, i blew it in just a few minutes. I feel really stupid and ridiculous. Plus the audience was just a minimal of 1. I could have just easily danced it off >_<
Yes, i'm still thinking bout it since 5pm this afternoon and i couldn't stop till now. Dancing used to be my passion and I always fight for the opportunity to perform. Nowadays? I rather sit between the audience and clap after every performance.
I want my old self back. This maxine ain fun >_<
Monday, November 14, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
What am i becoming
All these while My parents have been trying to put me one step higher from the society so it would help me alot when i grow up next time. I appreciated the music classes, the early english education, the dance classes, the acting classes and even the singing classes. Of course, i also appreciated the 3 years advance syllubus they would always shove it down my throat when I used to attend kindergarden.
I've always been confident in myself wherever I go all there years (excluding these 2 years). Although my appearence don't seem to attract the opposite sex but i'm confident in myself that i could achieve many things eventhough many people have been telling me to fuck off.
I manage to get NOMINATED for my queen guide award, i manage to organize a camp where most adults couldn't, i manage to dance in front of hundreds of people can not quiver in fright, i manage to give a speech in front of a whole school and not feel embarassed about it. Instead, i'm always happy and satisifed with whatever I manage to do and achieved. And its from my confidence that I've made many friends (not sure if they're true or just being 'mean girls') and be proud of them.
I don't deny that I do make mistakes on the way to success and every path i take, i still slipped into a tiny river that passes that path, but i always get myself up from the river and continue the journey and learn a better way to cross that path. I don't deny that at times my foolishness get myself embarassed and i don't deny that I'm not pretty. But its my foolishness that makes people happy. Its what I am makes people remember me "The bubbly chubby girl", its my mistakes that make people remember me even more. I sometimes still could feel what I used to feel and think about myself last time.
The confidence that I gave myself was tremendous and it has more to come. But recently, things have been on the downturn of my life. I become more and more unconfident with my appearence, my skills are lacking bacause of "gawd knows what reason", I've became a very emotional person, I've always crave for sympathy instead of happiness. WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO ME??
I tear as i type this post because I just feel i'm being more and more ridiculous. I used to manage big events and serve the big VIPs during my secondary school days. I used to dance in front of crowds and not be ashamed of it. I used to sing in front of parents and feel proud of it. NOW? I feel like a total JINX! I can't even master a simple skill!
Everytime I do something I aim to achieve, i end up landing myself into big trouble. For instance, driving. I know driving takes time for people to master and of course to be in our own nature. But all these while, i've been confident and I used to drive without a single problem. Now i can't even take a short 5 minute drive to a place I need to go without whacking somebody's backside (adding up that the car is my friend's instead of my own parents car).
THIS is really D.I.S.S.A.P.O.I.N.T.I.N.G!!!! How stuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuupid and duuuuuuuuuuuumb can i get? Its a simple skil DRIVING and yet i can't mastered it. I've gotten my license for what? A year!! And thanks to people who make empty promises, my driving skills are a piece of shit to land on *sobs*
I really want to look at this in a positive way. Really I do, but how can I not look at the negative side? Its been a year, and a year is more then enough to master a simple skill. THE HECK! I learnt to start a REAL LIFE FIRE with REAL LIFE FIREWOOD within 2 weeks!!! That's harder then driving dude!!
There are people that I blame and costs that I have to bear on my own with the consequences that come with driving without parents. But what can I do?? Depending on them is equals to depending on a dead man to train you to drive WHICH equals to NEVER GONNA IMPROVVEEEE!! People are already driving right AFTER they got their driving license. ME? hmph..... Letting me drive in his car is equavalent to a really REALLY special dream come true~~~ Pfffffft
*SOBS*
*SOBS*
*SOBS*
*SOBS*
*SOBS*
*SOBS*
*SOBS*
*SOBS*
*SOBS*
*Runs and hide to cry in sorrow*
I'm NOT a crying baby, its just that i've been holding for too long thats all.
Its been awhile since I last blogged, and now that I'm sorta back to blogging, a sad post starts the comeback of le author. Haizzz. Is it because form 6 life has lead me to plunge into dullness?
*Hypnotises self*
Be positive BE POSITIVE!!!
Who am I kidding, I really nidda improve on my driving skills, it ain coming as if its dropping from the sky! >.<
Any suggestions from not knocking any car's asses again?
I've always been confident in myself wherever I go all there years (excluding these 2 years). Although my appearence don't seem to attract the opposite sex but i'm confident in myself that i could achieve many things eventhough many people have been telling me to fuck off.
I manage to get NOMINATED for my queen guide award, i manage to organize a camp where most adults couldn't, i manage to dance in front of hundreds of people can not quiver in fright, i manage to give a speech in front of a whole school and not feel embarassed about it. Instead, i'm always happy and satisifed with whatever I manage to do and achieved. And its from my confidence that I've made many friends (not sure if they're true or just being 'mean girls') and be proud of them.
I don't deny that I do make mistakes on the way to success and every path i take, i still slipped into a tiny river that passes that path, but i always get myself up from the river and continue the journey and learn a better way to cross that path. I don't deny that at times my foolishness get myself embarassed and i don't deny that I'm not pretty. But its my foolishness that makes people happy. Its what I am makes people remember me "The bubbly chubby girl", its my mistakes that make people remember me even more. I sometimes still could feel what I used to feel and think about myself last time.
The confidence that I gave myself was tremendous and it has more to come. But recently, things have been on the downturn of my life. I become more and more unconfident with my appearence, my skills are lacking bacause of "gawd knows what reason", I've became a very emotional person, I've always crave for sympathy instead of happiness. WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO ME??
I tear as i type this post because I just feel i'm being more and more ridiculous. I used to manage big events and serve the big VIPs during my secondary school days. I used to dance in front of crowds and not be ashamed of it. I used to sing in front of parents and feel proud of it. NOW? I feel like a total JINX! I can't even master a simple skill!
Everytime I do something I aim to achieve, i end up landing myself into big trouble. For instance, driving. I know driving takes time for people to master and of course to be in our own nature. But all these while, i've been confident and I used to drive without a single problem. Now i can't even take a short 5 minute drive to a place I need to go without whacking somebody's backside (adding up that the car is my friend's instead of my own parents car).
THIS is really D.I.S.S.A.P.O.I.N.T.I.N.G!!!! How stuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuupid and duuuuuuuuuuuumb can i get? Its a simple skil DRIVING and yet i can't mastered it. I've gotten my license for what? A year!! And thanks to people who make empty promises, my driving skills are a piece of shit to land on *sobs*
I really want to look at this in a positive way. Really I do, but how can I not look at the negative side? Its been a year, and a year is more then enough to master a simple skill. THE HECK! I learnt to start a REAL LIFE FIRE with REAL LIFE FIREWOOD within 2 weeks!!! That's harder then driving dude!!
There are people that I blame and costs that I have to bear on my own with the consequences that come with driving without parents. But what can I do?? Depending on them is equals to depending on a dead man to train you to drive WHICH equals to NEVER GONNA IMPROVVEEEE!! People are already driving right AFTER they got their driving license. ME? hmph..... Letting me drive in his car is equavalent to a really REALLY special dream come true~~~ Pfffffft
*SOBS*
*SOBS*
*SOBS*
*SOBS*
*SOBS*
*SOBS*
*SOBS*
*SOBS*
*SOBS*
*Runs and hide to cry in sorrow*
I'm NOT a crying baby, its just that i've been holding for too long thats all.
Its been awhile since I last blogged, and now that I'm sorta back to blogging, a sad post starts the comeback of le author. Haizzz. Is it because form 6 life has lead me to plunge into dullness?
*Hypnotises self*
Be positive BE POSITIVE!!!
Who am I kidding, I really nidda improve on my driving skills, it ain coming as if its dropping from the sky! >.<
Any suggestions from not knocking any car's asses again?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)