Depressed

I always told myself that no matter
what happens in life, I always am able
to make the best out of it and try
not to fail miserably....

Till one day, i confessed to myself~~

That i wasn't able to live up to myself...

Kyle was rewarded today for his
miraculous results in his SPM....

I was a happy and slightly upset
over the results...

A sudden failure came to me, it felt
as i wasn't able to fulfill my parent's
wishes, and for me being the eldest,
i couldn't make my parents proud.

I did cry for a day, which made me
re-think about this issue..

Unfortunately. dad caught me being
upset and tried to console and cheer
me up..

It didn't really work for that particular
day as my spirit and my motivation
was really down and negative...

I admit that i ruined my parent's
mood that night.. But i was too
self-centered and i couldn't care less...

I just couldn't stop being upset and
mad over myself. I was just a piece of
junk staying in the back of the house...

I needed time to heal myself...
to stand up and face the challenge..
and i did the next day..

Things were better and i was more
open minded...

Kyle has a 'habit'...
When dad buys him something, he
would promise all sorts and then
once he got hold of his things..
He would turn back into his old self
with just a snap...

Wait no!

Which just a blink of an eye...
A half quarter of a second....

Last time, the first time he promised
i had full confidence in him....

After several occasions...

He would always fail to convince me
and i would end up thinking
"The time he turn over a new leaf,
i would have grandkids and my grandkids
would have grandkids = NEVER in my life!"

That shows how much confidence i have
towards him...

Well, as usual, he treated me like
shit as soon as he got hold of his item...
And of course swear words are not excluded..

This sort of things became a daily basis..
everynight i have to console myself to avoid
breakdown..

I learn to give in more frequent then to
recieve more often. I learn to hold in my
tantrums than to be a brat.

I learn to accept people that i despise than
show a ugly face to them in person. I also learn
to be humple to people i dislike than to hate
them at their back.

But with no doubts, i also do have times
that i needed throw my tantrums to
show what i am feeling...

I am an human being, not a robot, and
of course i do have feelings... And there were
times where i can no longer bare and have
to let go...

The space in me is limited and when the time
i feel full and out-angered, i need to release my
tantrums in order to create new space for other
tantrums..

I am trying my very best now to live life at it is..
Even though Klye is stubborn, stuck up, snobby
and disgustingly annoying, he is not worth my
time to get angry and pissed off with

He is also not worth my tears and time of me
being upset just because of him.

But there is one thing that i promised myself..
No matter how we turned out, there is
always space in my heart for forgiveness.

When the time is right, when miracle surfaced
my life, when Klye really does turn over a new
leaf.. I am ready to forgive him no matter where
and when it is...

To forgive someone,
Is to forgive yourself;
To hate someone,
Is also to hate yourself;

So why not learn to forgive and
be humble to everyone on earth,

Even to those that you hate
or dislike, for one day,
they might need your help
and they might treasure you for who
you are....

I am learning to forgive,
hoping that a burden can be lifted,
And the tantrums in me,
might just be able to lessen,
day by day.....